Self-Compassion- A Positive Motivator for Change
Today, in our world we have available an extraordinary amount of “self-help” tips and easy access to our own “keys to happiness” at our fingertips through every digital platform.
The most challenging thing, however, with access to all of these resources is to accept and love ourselves exactly as we are when we don’t apply all these “positive steps” in our lives.
In the Yogic tradition, under Pantanjali’s Yogic Sutras chapter 1.33, Patanjali outlines a 4-part process to help us clear our own negative energies and find more harmony within ourselves and with others. One of the key pathways he references is called Karuna- compassion- it implies seeing yourself and others as deserving of compassion.
Compassion is defined as having a sympathetic consciousness of (others or your own) distress- together with a desire to alleviate it. Offering compassion to ourselves can be tricky for many- as often people think that if they are compassionate towards themselves and their choices they won’t be motivated to make positive change.
This is a throwback to the days where shame and guilt was a supposed “motivator” to get us “back on track”. But truly- has that ever worked or felt good in your own body?
In Thumpten Jinpa’s book, A Fearless Heart he writes how self-compassion is a gentle, caring, non-judgemental orientation of our own heart and mind toward our own suffering and needs.
With self-compassion, we can view our problems within the larger context of our shared human condition. In essence- we remember we are human and we are not alone in our struggles.
“Truly self-compassionate people take care of themselves while being attentive to the feelings and needs of those around them….Self-pity is a form of self-absorption, whereas self compassion allows us to see our difficulties within the larger context of shared human experience.”
He continues to share that one way to think about self compassion is being a good parent to yourself. When we consider how we want to treat our own loved ones who might be struggling with a choice they made, or not having met the bar of their own expectations. Is it not true that one of the greatest gifts we can offer them in that moment is our own empathetic heart- to truly see that underneath it all they wanted to do right but in that moment just couldn’t. This soft hearted approach allows us to acknowledge the very real complexities and challenges of our own humanness.
Author Brene Brown writes extensively on this very topic-
“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging— something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”
When we try and motivate ourselves around a feeling of having not “lived up” to an expectation of ourselves or others, we can forget the very nature of the human condition and forget that we, too, deserve compassion- always.
In order to keep the doorway open to make positive changes- we must also keep the door open to compassion. From this place of compassionate presence- we can gently allow our own humanness to be the lens in which we live rather than bullying ourselves with shame and cutting ourselves off from life and the living.
To be clear- compassion does not condone poor behavior but instead helps to provide the necessary pause to assess, reflect, relate and then create positive change- from our openness we can create a more motivated action.
We are much more equipped to make positive change with an open heart towards ourselves and others.
As we all navigate trying to choose our best selves in every moment remember- today- to have compassion for yourself in all your choices- even when in the moment you can’t find the “right” choice (see Choice poem by Robert Alter).